daidoji_gisei: (Shall bones live?)
[personal profile] daidoji_gisei
I'm behind on posting here, for various reasons. One of them is that in mid-April I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. It's currently mild enough that my doctor thinks we can control it with healthy eating and exercise, and since I'm highly invested in not having to take a pill every day I'm trying hard to make this happen. But doing this means that I'm having to think a lot about my food: I have a maximum number of carbs per meal (and snack) that I need to aim for, and any time I have a carb-rich food I need to eat something protein-rich to go with it. I am telling myself that this is temporary, after a while I'll be familiar with everything and it won't seem like so much work--but I'm feeling flashes of overwhelmed. This makes me feel slightly cranky, which in turn makes me feel guilty, because I know of people who are managing far worse health problems than this. I don't deserve to be able to feel bad about it.

As a corollary to my healthy eating campaign I have been losing weight. This is all good, because this will make managing my diabetes easier. I've lost 13 pounds so far, apparently all of it from my neck, as that's the only measurement that seems to be changing. I am assuming that eventually I'll run out of fat in my neck and other parts of me will get smaller, but this is only an assumption on my part.

I'm otherwise conflicted about my weight loss. On one hand, improved diabetes control and the chance to buy clothes in the Petite Misses section, which might have slacks short enough to fit me. On the other hand, I don't think I'm going to hate myself less. My current dream-weight is roughly the same weight I was in college, and I hated myself then. I've always hated myself over my weight, and this is unlikely to change. I'm never going to be a single-digit dress size, which means I'll always be unacceptable.

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