So Hard to Say Goodbye
Aug. 21st, 2006 01:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
daidoji_giseiThe water park trip managed to happen in spite of girls arriving without permission slips, partly-cloudy skies and a semi-conscious leader. Linda drove, so I managed to get an hour-ish nap on the way to Grand Island and that improved matters some.
On our way to pick up the girls Linda and I decided that they were now old enough that they could pair up into buddies and roam the park without us--as long as they stayed with their buddy, which has been a problem with some of them in the past. But they all did stay together this time, so a good time was had by all. Linda, as she usually did, stayed on shore and watched. I, as I usually did, went and frolicked in the water for a while. (I suspect my character sheet has Fascination: Large Quantities of Water.) After a few sessions in the wave pool (which reminded me of the ocean in New Jersey, which made me miss mbf Karin), and some trips down the wussy slides (I just wasn't up to the three-story slide with the almost-free-fall section) I was good for the day and went to hang out with Linda.
We didn't talk as much as we usually do at such times. Part of it was probably that we were both tired. And in my case, part of it was that the thing I needed to talk most about was the thing I wanted to talk about least: My leaving the troop. I had known when I applied for a Story Team position that if I got it I would have to let scouts go, and I had warned Linda when the process began. And even though she was very supportive of my quest, and happy for me when I succeeded, all summer she has been making suggestions on how we could change the way we run the troop so that I could continue to be a leader in spite of my extra job. I hadn't directly said, "No, this just won't work", in spite of my conviction that it wouldn't. Partly this was because I treasure my friendship with Linda and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it, and partly because sticking with it until Linda's daughter graduated from high school would have given a satisfying sense of closure (and I like her daughter), and partly because I've spent around a third of my life as a Girl Scout leader and it's hard to think of myself as not-a-Girl-Scout-leader.
On the way home, though, something happened that kicked me over the edge. It was a really trivial thing, but it highlighted my major grief of the past year: I am not getting anything from being with this troop, and the girls are getting nothing from my being there. I'd be willing to run myself into the ground for them if I thought they needed me, but the truth is they don't. And that being the case, there is no reason to linger. I told Linda that I would stay and help until she found another adult to help lead, but my time is over. I hope she will forgive me.
On our way to pick up the girls Linda and I decided that they were now old enough that they could pair up into buddies and roam the park without us--as long as they stayed with their buddy, which has been a problem with some of them in the past. But they all did stay together this time, so a good time was had by all. Linda, as she usually did, stayed on shore and watched. I, as I usually did, went and frolicked in the water for a while. (I suspect my character sheet has Fascination: Large Quantities of Water.) After a few sessions in the wave pool (which reminded me of the ocean in New Jersey, which made me miss mbf Karin), and some trips down the wussy slides (I just wasn't up to the three-story slide with the almost-free-fall section) I was good for the day and went to hang out with Linda.
We didn't talk as much as we usually do at such times. Part of it was probably that we were both tired. And in my case, part of it was that the thing I needed to talk most about was the thing I wanted to talk about least: My leaving the troop. I had known when I applied for a Story Team position that if I got it I would have to let scouts go, and I had warned Linda when the process began. And even though she was very supportive of my quest, and happy for me when I succeeded, all summer she has been making suggestions on how we could change the way we run the troop so that I could continue to be a leader in spite of my extra job. I hadn't directly said, "No, this just won't work", in spite of my conviction that it wouldn't. Partly this was because I treasure my friendship with Linda and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it, and partly because sticking with it until Linda's daughter graduated from high school would have given a satisfying sense of closure (and I like her daughter), and partly because I've spent around a third of my life as a Girl Scout leader and it's hard to think of myself as not-a-Girl-Scout-leader.
On the way home, though, something happened that kicked me over the edge. It was a really trivial thing, but it highlighted my major grief of the past year: I am not getting anything from being with this troop, and the girls are getting nothing from my being there. I'd be willing to run myself into the ground for them if I thought they needed me, but the truth is they don't. And that being the case, there is no reason to linger. I told Linda that I would stay and help until she found another adult to help lead, but my time is over. I hope she will forgive me.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-08-21 03:05 pm (UTC)You're right. It doesn't sound like either side is getting much out of the process anymore. There does come a time to let go of the stuff that doesn't help you. *hugs* I know that this is the right thing, hon.